The Fanfiction Fanfiction
by TightropeDancing
Summary: Somehow, Yuan has managed to unleash the horrors of fanfiction upon the Symphonia universe! Nothing in Lloyd's dialouge is spelled correctly, and Colette has mysteriously vanished, and that's only the beginning! -This is pretty much CRACK-
1. Speel Chek Plz

**Chapter 1 : Speel Chek Plz**

Keys clicked under Yuan's fingers as he typed away at the keyboard. Tucked in the deepest level of his Renegade Base, the blue-haired half-elf basked in the glow of the gigantic screen in front of him.

Originally, he had been surfing the new development of the 'internet' to research possible goings on, but he had been distracted with cheap pornography, which had darn near fried his hard drive with the viruses that came along with it.

Being an experienced user of magi-technology, Yuan was quickly able to remedy this, but ended up having to download Norton Anti-Virus to prevent it from happening again. (In the meantime he played his giant Game Cube. Yuan had been meaning to buy a giant Wii, but they were always sold out when he went shopping, something he often avoided doing due to pushy salesmen who managed to unload the Special Edition DVD of _Pumping Iron_ onto him every single time. He swore he had at least twenty of those things, not counting the ones he gave to Botta for his birthday and Christmas every year back when he was alive.) Norton Anti-Virus had cost him about ten thousand gald, at that, and it was already demanding an update for a fee of two thousand. Yuan ignored it.

However, once Yuan had re-opened the internet, it was picking up another signal, probably due to the advanced Renegade magi-technology. He hooked it up to his computer, and to his surprise, it was another internet that bore a striking similarity to the one he had just been on!

However, this was not the budding internet of their world, rife with pornography and instructions on how-to-get-high-off-household-plants. Instead, it was a sprawling metropolis of the exact same type of pornography and instructions on how-to-get-high-off-of-household-plants! It had been in action for many years, and the source of this internet was another universe! Maybe, just maybe, the Wi-Fi signal linked through in a similar way mana used to flow between Sylverant and Tethe'alla? Yuan had reason to believe that in the place this internet found its source, his reality was a video game called _Tales of Symphonia_, seeing as he Googled himself and everyone he knew.

Yuan could only wonder. He aimlessly browsed about, until a link caught his eye.

No sooner had he clicked on it than music started flowing to his pointed ears.

"_We're no strangers to love_," the speakers sang as a man with reddish hair danced on screen, "_You know the rules, and so do I! A full commitment's what I'm thinkin' of, you wouldn't get this from any other guy! I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand!_"

"No!" Yuan let out a blood curdling scream, and all went dark.

He had been Rick Roll'd.

"_Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna…_" The incredibly fruity song sang off into the night as if it was a prelude to the horrors Yuan had unleashed upon the universe.

* * *

The next day, Raine Sage sat at her desk, flipping the pages in her book.

"Lloyd and Colette are sure taking their sweet time," Genis said, leaning back in his own seat. "Let's just leave with out them." He tapped his hand on the wicker basket impatiently.

His sister, however, was in no rush— picnics were leisurely events, anyways. Genis, however, had been doing nothing all day, and was rather bored. He'd made breakfast, but not much had happened between then and the time he'd packed the basket. He'd wandered around Iselia, but nothing in the town he had lived in so long was new, nothing drew his interest. Sure, since the worlds had combined the town had grown a bit from those who had decided to relocate themselves, but he'd already seen those developments, it was nothing exciting. "Then again," Genis said, "It'd be a lot more fun with them around."

"Maybe they got sidetracked, if y'know what I mean," said Zelos, jumping off the desk he had situated himself on and raising his arms around his upper waist.

The Professor knew what was in store. "No pelvic thrusts in my classroom, please," said Raine, looking over her book. The ex-Chosen was in town for a short while— he'd given no reason to his unannounced visit, but Raine, Genis, Colette and Lloyd were glad to see him, for the most part. They'd all decided to go on a nice picnic that day.

"Aww," Zelos groaned, stifling a small chuckle.

Genis opened up the desk that belonged to him and removed the letter in it. Although he'd read it several times, there was nothing else to do as he waited. "_…the curriculum at the Palmacosta Academy is designed to challenge and stimulate the academically gifted. While it may have been easy sailing at your local schoolhouse…_" he read.

Raine peeked over her book again and let out a tiny sigh. Next semester, Genis would be going away for school, Colette would graduate, and Lloyd would, too. Then the boy would start his journey to gather the Expheres. Her class would definitely be different without them, dare she say it'd be lackluster. She was seriously considering retiring, despite her young age, and traveling the world to lecture against discrimination. Raine let out another teeny-tiny sigh.

Just then, Lloyd Irving burst in. "rain! genus! zilos! colletes missng i havent scene herr aniwheer! how abot u guyz lol??" he asked, misspelling pretty much everything in his dialogue. Luckily, most of it was spelled phonetically, but parts were hard to work out.

"Lowell? Lull? Lawl? What in the name of birth control did you just say?!" Zelos asked him.

"What? Colette's missing?" Genis asked. "Really?"

"lol ya I lukked evrywere, butt shi inst thar!! mebe shee comed her but i gess not lol," Lloyd said.

"Did you bite your tongue really hard or something?" Zelos asked. "Because you're talking… ..funny."

"lol am I rilli?"

All three nodded.

"And what's lawl… lull… Lowell… Oh, whatever it is," Zelos said.

"L-O-L," Raine said. "It's an acronym for 'laugh out loud' that people use on the internet. Sometimes they abuse it to a disgusting degree, like Lloyd is doing right now."

"Internet?" Genis, Lloyd and Zelos asked, although Lloyd's dialogue spelled it 'I think I got salmonella poisoning from kissing this lizard I found in the woods. Is that bad?', and henceforth that was what the three others heard.

Genis, Zelos and Raine all pulled their derailed trains of thought to a screeching halt to stare at Lloyd, gaping.

"Yes, Lloyd," Raine said, "that _is_ bad."

"Wait... You really didn't do that, did you...?" Genis asked as Zelos went through a plethora of facial expressions, trying to find the one that was a suitable response to someone announcing that they had made out with a lizard.

First, he figured he should be happy for Lloyd for finding a soul mate. Then he felt he should be totally blasé about the whole deal, then that he should be jealous of Lloyd, then jealous of the lizard, then jealous of Michael Phelps, then disgusted at the fact Lloyd went and kissed a lizard, and then worried about the salmonella poisoning his friend had, and finally curious as to what salmonella actually was. Something like genital herpes, he wrongly figured.

"lol whut??" Lloyd asked.

"Quit it!" whined Zelos.

Raine coughed. "Anyways… with the recent boom of magi-technology, more and more people have been using it in their everyday life in the form of home computers for means of quick communication, among other things."

"I'm surprised we don't have one," Genis said, eyeing his big sister.

"It's coming in the mail," Raine said. "I've been using one of the townspeople's to experiment. They're really quite fascinating, as is the internet once you get past all the chatspeak, 1337, pop-ups and cheap pornography."

"You know, I have seen a lot of people getting computers," Zelos said. "I keep meaning to check them out, but it always slips my mind… So, how'dja get to the porn?"

"Search anything in Google Images with the filters off and you're sure to find som— why do you want to know, anyways?!" Raine asked.

"Raine, this is Zelos we're talking about," Genis reminded her. "But really… eew…"

"Yes, Professor, it most certainly is Zelos," Zelos echoed, smiling.

"lol kul" Lloyd said. "hay whuts pronn" That time, he neglected to use punctuation in addition to totally butchering the English language. Sheesh, what is the world coming to?

"…Lloyd, have you gotten even dumber since you started talking like that?" Genis asked. "I didn't think it was humanly possible, but the proof's standing right in front of me… I mean, even _I _know about that sort of stuff…"

"Hay ur meen," Lloyd said to Genis.

"But wait," Raine said, "What about Colette? You said she'd vanished?"

"Ya she ddid," said Lloyd. "me wint too hirr hoose 2 wokk wit her tu comm heer butt shi wasnt thar an fred sed shi had bin gon al da nd hee thot Collit waz wit mii allridi…"

"Although I didn't understand a word of that, he didn't say 'L-O-L'!" Zelos exclaimed in glee.

"lol," Lloyd finished, and Zelos slumped over in defeat.

"So… anyone have any ideas what he actually just said?" asked the red-headed ex-Chosen.

After thinking for a while, Genis answered, "I think he said, 'Yeah, she did, I went to her house to walk with her to come here, but she wasn't there and Fred…' Uhm… Lloyd," Genis said, breaking his translation of what the teenager had just said into English, "if you're talking about Colette's father, his name is Frank."

Lloyd shrugged. "lol"

"Oh, come on, what the hell is this?" Zelos asked, groaning. "He isn't even supposed to be laughing, and he_ still_ says it?!"

Genis cleared his throat, and continued. "…'and _Frank _said she had been gone all day and he had thought Colette was with me already.' There, I think that's it."

Lloyd nodded, and Zelos clamped a gloved hand over his mouth so he couldn't reply with 'lol'.

"Genis, I'm surprised you can comprehend Lloyd's jargon so well," Raine said.

"So am I, Raine," the younger half-elf admitted, "so am I."

"Shuddent wi bi lukking 4 collitte? im wuryed abut herr!!" Lloyd asked, removing Zelos's hand from his mouth. "lo—" Zelos smacked him before he could say it.

"Although Lloyd is really getting hard to understand, I agree with him! Anything could have happened to the poor, innocent, beautiful Colette in this time, especially if she's been kidnapped! Some types of men, not me, though, will sink to amazing lows once they have such a lovely lady in their greasy clutches! Not me, though. Let's go!" Zelos said, leaving Lloyd to rub his mouth where he had been hit.

The group of four rocketed towards the door. Although he had started out last, a very charged-up Lloyd reached it first and tore it open, slamming it against the classroom wall. Once he stepped into the sunlight, he skidded to a halt and let out a gasp.

As soon as the others were out of the schoolhouse, they too abruptly stopped in their tracks, aghast at the familiar figure standing before them.

"_Kratos?!_"

* * *

**Where is Colette?! And why is Lloyd talking like that? What do we have to attribute Kratos's mysterious re-appearance from Derris Kharlan to? Will the readers or Zelos snap first? Does Lloyd **_**really**_** have salmonella poisoning?! Does anyone really care?!**

…_**Epic**_** fail, I know.**

**I'll tell you this, questionable people of : This is shameless fun. I'm paying no attention to taste for my own amusement. …usually, I don't post things like that, but this isn't nearly as creepy (or crappy) as other things I've written, and I actually found it funny.**

**This is utter crack, mind you. UTTER CRACK. It's not supposed to make sense, it's supposed to make you giggle. I'm going to try (no guarantee at the measure of success I'll have) to keep characters somewhat IC, unless, of course, it's my intention to make them dreadfully OOC.**

**And really, I'm fine with seeing 'lol' in most occasions, I even use it quite often. But not in fanfiction, please. Unless, of course, said fanfiction is about the internet. –has seen quite a few good, usually really funny, fics featuring the internet where characters/other people have typed 'lol'-**

**EDIT: ...dude, I posted this link somewhere where it gave a preview of what it was, and for the characters, I had selected Raine and Yuan, because they're going to probably play the biggest parts. And it said 'pairing - Raine S. and Yuan'. I lol'd. There shall not be any YuanxRaine here. There will be, however, like... five Kratos pairings.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia or any of the characters. I do not own the internet, I do not own any Nintendo product, I do not own Pumping Iron, I do not own Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley. It is, however, my ringtone. I don't own anything else I may have mentioned.**


	2. Scooby Dooby Doo, I Fear For You

The Fanfiction Fanfiction

Chapter 2: Scooby Dooby Doo, I Fear for You

Sorry for the wait!

Up front: I AM GOING TO BE POKING FUN AT ALL COMMON KRATOS PAIRINGS. No offense to any of their fans. And by common, it means I've come across at least ten fics. Over the course of this, I will be taking incredibly cheap shots at: KratosxLloyd, Kruan, Kranna (even if it's cannon. Even cannon can be handled badly… …and it often is), Kraine, KratosxOC (the one in this fic would of course be a Mary Sue, what fanfiction parody doesn't make fun of Sues?) and maybe KratosxZelos if I feel like it. And I may throw in a not-so-common crossover pairing to poke fun at them. Not in that order, probably, though.

Why Kratos? Because going crazeh for love would be so totally OOC for him it's almost unimaginable.

And to Zelda's Fox 38 : PRONGAL. Thinking of that pairing makes me laugh so hard. After shuddering, of course… I have to make a joke about that, oh my God. Maybe I'll make a chapter featuring the worst of the worst crack pairings…eventually once this really gets (Rick) rolling. RodylexAltessa, here we come!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

"Kratos?!" They all exclaimed, stopping in their tracks.

Well, Lloyd spelled it 'cratois' in his dialogue, and then corrected himself. "Dud!"

"Yes," Kratos said, "It is I!" He posed dramatically as if he had just rolled a bowling ball down a lane. "I smell of Axe shower gel! Does it work?"

"Yes!" Zelos said, "Axe does work! Every bottle contains my very own sweat— meaning the hunnies go wild with a single sniff!" He winked.

"Kratos, why are yo— Wait, what?" Raine took a minute to stare at Zelos. "Well, that might explain why Axe smells so bad…" mumbled Raine.

"y n hwo r u bak f0rm deres carlon dadi?" Lloyd asked his father. "lol"

Zelos twitched.

Kratos blinked. "What did you say, my beloved son?" he asked, stepping towards the group in a very exaggerated and uncharacteristic manner.

"Oh, brother… he asked why and how are you back from Derris Kharlan," Genis said. "And then… then he called you… 'Daddy'…? After that, Lloyd laughed out loud." He paused before examining Kratos and asking a question of his own. "…Kratos, why are you action so weird?"

"Why, those questions are simple, my dear boy," Kratos said. "Why I left Derris Kharlan? Primarily because they were making me take interpretive dance courses up there. That and everyone was lording my police record over me. And how? I got the golden ticket in my Wonka Bar. And why I'm acting so weird? I honestly don't know." He smiled broadly, causing nearby windows to shatter and the earth to quake just slightly.

"Uhm, well… Kratos," Raine said, "have you seen Colette anywhere? Apparently she's been missing all day, and we're all very worried."

"Poor innocent Colette!" Zelos sobbed. "She's probably being forced to do all sorts of things by her dastardly kidnappers! Like cook! And clean!"

"lol" Lloyd said, looking at his feet.

"You selfish bastard!" Zelos said, lunging at his friend and grabbing the fabric of his shirt in one hand and a suspender in the other. Zelos's blue eyes were overflowing with tears. "How could you laugh out loud at a time like this?! How could you possibly?!"

Kratos separated the two, shoving Zelos to the cold, hard ground, which was pleasantly padded with grass. "Don't touch my son! Are you alright, baby? Just nod, my dear. Otherwise I'll remember how stupid you are."

Lloyd nodded.

"So, Kratos…" Raine tried to re-start her question, but Kratos interrupted her.

"Not now, Raine. I'm feeling very gay and incestuous all of a sudden," Kratos said, hugging his son and staring into his beautiful brown eyes and stroking his cheek, the skin of which, which despite the trials and tribulations the young man had been through, was still as soft as that of the babe Kratos remembered holding so many years ago.

"lol wut?" Lloyd asked, smiling up at Kratos obliviously before the older man pulled him into a deep kiss.

Raine, Zelos and Genis gaped in horror at the totally unexpected sight before them.

Lloyd, who had not yet mastered the art of breathing through his nose, soon lost consciousness in Kratos's grasp.

He went limp and slumped a little. Before Kratos could re-support Lloyd, Raine and Zelos used the chance to grab the boy and run as fast as they possibly could, Genis in tow.

"Damn!" Kratos exclaimed. "I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your darn dog!"

"Wait," Genis asked as he ran, "who's the dog?"

"You are!" Zelos exclaimed, keeping up the pace.

"Actually," Kratos called out after them, "you are, Zelos!"

"Aww…" the redhead whined as he and his group bolted out of Iselia. "Hey, I think we forgot the picnic basket!"

"Shut up and run!"

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the Renegade Base…**

Yuan was quite disgusted by this 'fanfiction', as they called it. (He found it while searching Kratos's name.) And he hadn't even clicked on anything with his name in the summary!

No, instead he'd chosen to read things that made Kratos or Mithos look like idiots, and he soon felt very sorry for the two of them, although he saved the link about the two of them conceiving a child that they named Cheerios for blackmail. Mithos was the mommy. Until he remembered that Kratos was on Derris Kharlan, and Mithos was dead, Yuan dreamed of the money he could get from them.

After closing out a musical ad for '', Yuan decided to risk his life by clicking on a link to a story called 'Heal My Bleeding Soul', the pairing of which was a surprise, according to the summary.

(The last time he had clicked on something that was a surprise, he had found an essay concerning why an old children's TV show, which had been popular back in the day, promoted getting high.

Some of the questions posed were, 'If this shit is drug free, why do they say 'dooby' in the theme song?', 'Why are they driving around in a hippy van? We all knows what goes on in hippy vans…', 'Is it me, or does Shaggy constantly have the munchies?', and finally and most importantly, 'What exactly are in those Scooby Snacks, anyways?'

Yuan was a seasoned veteran of battles and wars, but this internet sure had some mind-scarring stuff…)

He clicked on the story, because it had 'lemon' in the summary and Yuan just loved watching the Food Network!

_Regal walked into the store decked out in stately businessman attire. His hair was straightened and his buns were made of steel._

Yuan made a mental note to send Regal his Pumping Iron collection. He might actually be interested in them.

_He randomly looked towards the cleaning supplies section to see the most beautifully beautiful woman he'd ever seen, Pronyma. Compared to Pronyma, Alicia was a fugly slut and Regal was suddenly glad he'd killed the hoe so he would be single for this occasion. Not that he wouldn't cheat on any lover for the gorgeous babe over by the Scrubbing Bubbles._

"_Why hello thar, sexeh," Regal said, leaning against a tub of Clorox, "what brings you to this dump?"_

"_I need Windex," she said._

"_Why?" Regal asked, "to clean your eyes? That'd be useless because they're so clear and heavenly."_

Yuan paused for a moment, totally floored by the utter stupidity of the line.

"_Actually, it's for my brand new see-through top," Pronyma said, smiling at him sweetly._

Yuan groaned. This was boring! He decided to scroll down the page and see what he could see. He kept scrolling until a portion of a paragraph caught his eye.

"…_and Regal put his happy-stick into Pronyma's love clam…_"

Yuan's eyes virtually bulged out of his head. This wasn't Iron Chef!

* * *

**Meanwhile, in a huge evil castle in the absolute middle of nowhere…**

Mithos didn't know how he was alive, but he was. He also didn't know how he had gotten such a great deal on such a nice piece of real estate. Great stonework, an open courtyard, sure, the inside was sort of shabby, but that was why he had bothered to make a pact with Drapery, the summon spirit of interior decorating, all those years ago.

"So, Lord Mithos, either a cherry or walnut inlay would go nicely in this room, what with the huge, ominous stairwell," the summon spirit of questionable gender (if summon spirits could actually be said to have gender) said. "I think the cherry suits your personality better. Now, the furniture should match, and I'm thinking we have _ochre_ cushioning!" It seemed very excited about the prospect of ochre cushioning.

"Ochre cushioning sounds good," Mithos said. "I shall sit on it when I _conquer the world!_" He threw back his head and laughed maniacally.

"You want to conquer the world?" Drapery asked as it measured the wall with a yellow tape measure. "Good for you! Now, how about a copy of _The Fisherman's Wife's Dream_ right here?"

"Can you seriously not think of a better picture than that?" Mithos asked, crossing his arms.

"You're right, the color scheme is totally off! I have committed an unforgiveable sin!" Drapery yelled. He angst-ed in the background as Mithos turned to face the audience.

"That's right," Mithos said, "I shall rule the world! Why do I want to? Well," he said, "I don't really know! Probably because whoever's writing this can't come up with anything more creative! How? I have a plan, but it's pretty vague!" Mithos threw back his head and laughed maniacally. "Muahahahaha! Wahahahaha! Muahahahaha!"

"Now, Lord Mithos," Drapery asked, "are you a fan of chaise lounges? Because I think that one would look absolutely _stunning_ in that corner if we added a Grecian pillar with some sort of potted flora on top!"

"Drapery! Don't interrupt my maniacal laughter!"

* * *

….this is utter crap, I know.

This chapter exists to say 'Kratos and Mithos are back!'


End file.
